The AntiUmBtch Squad
by AlbionEmrys
Summary: a Doctor Who, Torchwood, Harry Potter and Merlin crossover, summary inside…
1. Chapter 1

The Anti-Um-B*tch Squad

A/N- Secondary school education is boring, so in a Science lesson, (done an hour's worth of work in about 5 minutes) and decided to do this. d('_')b MERLIN :P It's just GG and Vixx, and our friend Lizz. Pheebs is in a different room, off doing sciency stuff, in our room it's all Wibbly Wobbly, Timey Wimey, Spacey Wacey, so not at all sciency

Summary- What happens when three fangirls get bored in a science lesson, and need something to "SQUEE!" at, includes time-travel-ly weirdness. Rated T for Torchwood and Jack. AU! Only canon pairings. Martha is with Torchwood (Exit Wounds happened but Tosh and Owen are alive), Eleventh Doctor (travelling with Amy and Rory), Season 4 for Merlin, Order of the Phoenix for Harry Potter.

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Disclaimer- We blatantly own these shows/books/films and our billionaires from the royalties and that's why we're writing _FAN_fiction. 

GERONIMO!

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Harry stormed away from his detention with Umbridge, blood glistening crimson on the back of his hand. Ginny and Neville were sauntering towards him, a look of disgust on Ginny's face as she saw the blood. After a few minutes walking, the stopped and stared at one another.

"We need to get rid of her!" Neville exclaimed, staring at Harry's hand as Harry was pacing.

"I know, but how?" Ginny asked.

"I don't know." Harry replied. **"I need a way to defeat Umbridge." ** He thought thrice. Harry stopped, his foot barely touching the floor as he and the others noticed a sound coming from beside them.

They had not realised they were on the 7th floor, not until the door to the Room of Requirement materialized out of the wall. Harry walked over to it and pulled it open, expecting a book of spells to be inside.

What he was not expecting was a giant, white, gleaming castle; a metal tower with water cascading down the sides; two dragons hiding in a cave, glaring at each other; and a police box that reminded Harry of a television show that he used to watch when he was younger.

"MERLIN'S BEARD!" Ginny and Neville cried out as they stepped inside.

"Excuse me." A raven-haired man said as he came out of the dragon-filled cave. "I'm pretty sure I don't have a beard."

"We never said you have a beard." Neville said, confused.

"Yes you did. _Mer_lin doesn't have a beard, and Merlin? Where have you been? I told you to help me get ready for the hunting trip. I had to have another servant do it!" The blonde pointedly looked, with a slightly pouty face, to the raven-haired man.

"Sire, I don't think we're going hunting."

"And why not _Mer_lin?"

"Have you looked around, Arthur?"

"You called me "Arthur"!"

"Well, it is your name, prat."

Harry's eyes were switching between the two men, in a fashion similar to those watching a tennis match. Ginny looked amused. Neville looked confused (again).

"_Mer_lin! You're supposed to call me _SIRE_!"

Harry's eyes widened in shock. "Wait, Wait. So you're Merlin?" He pointed to the nodding raven-haired man. "And you're Prince Arthur?" He asked the blonde.

"No!" Harry looked confused and Merlin was snickering in the background. "I'm the KING!" Merlin burst out laughing at Arthur's outraged expression, causing Arthur to turn his attention back to him. "And you, where were you?"

"I was, um, I, um, I came from over there." He pointed to the cave, where the dragons had stopped glaring at each other and were chuckling as they watched the argument.

"So are you _"Merlin"_? As in _THE_ Merlin?" asked Harry.

"Well, he's the only Merlin in Camelot." replied Arthur. Ginny and Neville did their award-winning fish impressions at this statement, while Harry tried to remain calm in the face of the legendary King Arthur and _MERLIN_, the father of modern magic.

A deep laugh ran through the room, originating from the large, golden dragon in the cave with the small, white dragon giggling behind his wing. Arthur's head snapped around to glare at Merlin, after looking at (and recognising) the dragon.

"You told me I had killed the dragon!" Arthur growled, Merlin flinched, looking ready to run away; screaming with arms flailing; and hide. Arthur turned back to the dragons, drawing Excalibur as he went. Merlin could only watch as he charged towards the dragon, aiming to kill them, and armed with the only blade that could (without the intervention of magic). Harry, Ginny and Neville were still in shock. Merlin snapped out of his shock at Arthur trying to kill the dragons as his magic brushed the blade, and felt no answering magic. The sword was not enchanted, therefore not Excalibur. (Inside the castle, a servant was running around like a headless chicken, as he had found King Arthur's trusted sword in the bathtub. He had not thought of why it was in there, only that the King would kill him when he found out he had the wrong sword.) Arthur was _STILL_ running, (it was a big room) and was going fast enough that he could not prevent the man, who had jumped in front of him, from impaling himself on the blade.

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A/N- If there are any mistakes, please tell us in a PM/review, we have already started on the next chapter, so should be up soon (max. of a week). Please note the sarcasm in the disclaimer and don't sue. WARNING-Will probably be Gwen-bashing (she may die ) in the next chapter (sorry, Vixx doesn't like her).


	2. Chapter 2

The Anti-Um-B*tch Squad

**A/N-** The song belongs to Gareth David-Lloyd (Search "Ianto's Coffee Rap" on YouTube to hear it.) Sorry for the long wait, had exams etc.

**Disclaimer- **Same as the last one don't own blah blah.

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"All I want is a proper cup of coffee, made in a proper copper coffee pot. I may be off my dot, but I want a proper coffee in a proper copper pot. Tin coffee pots and iron coffee pots, they're no good for me. If I can't have a proper cup of coffee made in a proper copper coffee pot, I'll have a cup of motherf*cking tea." Ianto sang **(A/N-rapped, in his epic welsh accent :P) **to himself, as he made Jack's industrial strength coffee. Ianto was pouring the coffee into Jack's mug, when he heard a woman screaming outside the hub. After looking around to check if Gwen, Martha and Tosh were fine (and Owen, what? You never know!). He ran outside, still holding the half-full coffee mug. He saw what was probably the weirdest sight he had seen yet: a blue box; a castle; a cave with two dragons inside; three children standing by a door; a young woman dressed in a regal medieval dress, screaming; a young, raven haired man, with large ears (d('_')b) and a young blond man, dressed in full armour, a shocked look (:-O) on his face, holding out a sword. Then Ianto saw the most normal sight of the night; Jack impaled on said sword, dying slowly. Ianto giggled, Jack's innuendo-y **(A/N-if it's not a word, it is now!) **personality rubbing off on him. Everyone, apart from the blond, who was still looking at Jack in shock, turned to stare at him. Jack's face lit up in a grin.

"IANTO! Is that my coffee?" Ianto nodded and pointed at Jack's stomach." Oops, I'd forgotten about the sword… Ianto, hold the coffee till I get back."

"How could he forget about the sword?" Harry whispered.

"Ok, sir. See you in a minute." Ianto smiled slightly at Jack.

"It's JACK!" Jack mock glared at Ianto, then slowly fell forward, being cut in half as he went.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Harry shouted. "Let me get this straight, you're _THE_ Merlin, and you're King Arthur, which I'm guessing makes you Queen Guinevere?" he pointed to the nodding trio, (Arthur having broken out of his shock by now), then looked at the man who was lying in two halves on the floor, and the man who had appeared by the water tower, holding a mug. "You seem to know him, so why aren't you upset that he has _died_?" He asked the coffee-holding man. "And what's your name?"

"I'm Jones, Ianto Jones." Ianto said. "and as for Jack, that's his name by the way, Captain Jack Harkness, it's a regular occurrence."

They all gaped at him as he walked over to the, now named, corpse of Jack and pushed the two halves together; making sure that everything was inside his body. The looks of astonishment went up to the next level of severity as he carefully set down the mug of coffee and pulled off his suit jacket, laying it over Jack's body.

Three minutes later, there was a loud gasp as Jack sat up, trying to get air into his newly repaired lungs. Queen Guinevere promptly fainted, as did Ginny, each grabbed by either King Arthur or Harry respectively. Merlin just stood there, suspecting magic, and Neville fell back into his state of shock. Ianto picked up the coffee mug and handed it to Jack, who smiled at him and drank the rapidly cooling liquid, then kissed Ianto. When they were done, everyone was back to staring at Jack, who stood up, not minding the fact he was the centre of their attention and that most of his clothes had been cut in half. He gave Ianto his jacket back then they started walking back to the hub, leaving everyone puzzled behind them. Halfway there, they heard the sound of a door opening, a head poked out of the TARDIS.

"Oh, Brilliant!" the head exclaimed as he caught sight of the now still Jack. "I get pulled across time and space, and who do I find?"

"Ummm… sorry, do I know you?" Jack asked, confused as to who this mad man was.

"What? Oh, right… you wouldn't recognise me, would you?" the man looked thoughtful.

"Excuse me? What in Merlin" Harry received a sharp look from Merlin "Oh, sorry. What the hell is going on here?" Harry stepped forwards towards the TARDIS but stopped short "Are those _FEET_?"

"What? Where?" The man asked looking around confused.

"Under the box you just came out of!"

"Wait a minute…" Ianto peered at the pair of feet. "I recognise those socks, Gwen was wearing them earlier… Which means…" He stopped as the man poked and tickled Gwen's feet, when there was no reaction he started talking again. "She's dead…" He was once again interrupted, this time not by the man poking feet, but by a voice coming from out of the entrance to the Hub. Everyone turned towards the Tourist Office as Owen came dancing out, surrounded by Weevils, who were also dancing.

"Ding Dong! The Witch is dead." Owen sang (very well, to the surprise of Jack and Ianto)

"Which old witch?" The Weevils replied (In actuality they were growling but the TARDIS was translating.

"The Wicked Witch." Owen replied

"Ding Dong! The witch is dead!" The Weevils and Owen finished, Jazz Hands and all.

Suddenly the invisible lift rose out of the ground, with Toshiko and Martha in silver glittering dresses on top. "She's dead!" They finished together, jumping off the lift, running around, waving wands at the weevils and hugging them and Owen. (**A/N- WIZARD OF OZ! BOOYAH!**)

Everyone was staring at the Torchwood team, who quickly went to get changed and put the weevils back in the cells. Once they were finished, they returned and saw Jack staring at the man who was half-in, half-out the TARDIS.

"Who are you?" Jack asked "where's the Doctor?"

"I'm the Doctor, Jack. Version Eleven, you've met Nine and Ten, well, this is the new me." He twirled around on the spot.

Jack motioned for Martha to step forwards and held his hand out for her stethoscope. She looked at him, puzzled for a second, then realised what he was going to do and nodded, giving him it. He stepped forwards and placed the stethoscope on either side of the Doctor's chest. Once he had listened to both sides he passed Martha back her stethoscope then turned to the Doctor and gave him a rib-cracking hug. Martha and Ianto winced in sympathy, both having been on the receiving end of said hugs. The Doctor just laughed.

"Is it just me, or do you get younger with each regeneration?" Jack asked laughing as the Doctor pouted, making him look even younger.

"Can someone please explain what's happening here?" Harry asked , no one listened, so he stepped forwards, but was pushed out of the way by Merlin.

"OI! Everyone be quiet!" Merlin shouted, making everyone turn to him. "Now, can someone please explain what is happening here, and why we are here, wherever we are."

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_Meanwhile in the Gryffindor common room…_

Ron suddenly looked up from the essay he had been writing, making Hermione jump. After glaring at him for a second, she asked "What's wrong?"

"I… I don't know… where's Harry?" he said standing up.

"he had detention with Umbridge, remember?"

"Oh yeah…" he slowly started to sit back down.

A few minutes later, Ron spoke again

"My Harry senses are tingling… he must need our help."

Hermione just shrugged, it was too loud in the common room to get work done anyway, so she was up for some exploring. "Where would he be?"

"He sometimes goes to the seventh floor, to the Room of Requirement, I don't know why."

"Let's go" Hermione stood up, placing her book into a small bag and started towards the seventh floor with Ron.

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**A/N- We should have some more done soon, but will probably take longer than this chapter did (Sorry, school got in the way), as we only have a few ideas for the next chapter(s), if you want anything included, please tell us so we can try to include it. Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

The Anti-UmBTCH Squad Chapter 3 

**A/N- **_**Lolz, Vixx just read Author's Note as Arthur's Note-GG**_

**OI! GG! Let's get on with the story!**

_**Fine, I'll do the disclaimer.**_

**First things first, thank you's.**

**A huge thank you to ThunderNinjaBird (love the name) for your amazing reviews that don't fail to make us laugh. Oreo's and milk to you. And fibbles, thanks for the reviews, if you had been with us, you could have helped write this story. : l Femmort is glaring at you. Ah well, you still get cookies and milk.**

**Disclaimer- We don't own these shows/people, as much as we would like to.**

**I own Gareth David-Lloyd, he's locked in my room with a coffee machine.**

_**Vixx, give him back to Jack NOW! I mean it! On with the story-Vixx, stop crying.**_

**Do I have to? He likes my room.**

_**Yes, your room is awesome, but we need him to be in the story. *Evil glare***_

**Ok, but only if I can have him back later!**

_**Fine *Eye roll***_

**Fine *Glare so murderous, the Risen Mitten is needed***

_**Right, on with the story.**_

**Ok :) Look out for the special guest. **

**ALLONSY!**

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"Right, I want answers, no-" Harry was interrupted yet again by the sound of the door opening and the sound of arguing, until

"Bloody hell."

"-w," Harry finished "and they want answers too." He said, pointing to Ron and Hermione.

"Harry, what-?" Hermione started, but Harry, who was probably tired of being interrupted, interrupted her. **(A/N-**** Hypocrite!****) **

"I want answers NOW!" Harry roared, sounding more like a dragon than Norbert (sorry, Norberta), consequently shutting everyone up (he can be scary when he's angry).

"Why don't we start with names?" The voice of reason (aka Ginny, who was far too used to Harry's temper tantrums to care), who had finally regained consciousness, as had Queen Guinevere. "I'll go first, I'm Ginny-"

"Ginevra"

"Shut it, Ronald –Weasley. And that's my brother, Ronald."

"Call me Ron."

"I'm Hermione Granger."

"I'm Neville Longbottom" Ianto glared at Jack, knowing the type of thing he would be thinking; The Doctor was standing there grinning, having figured out who was next; Martha's eyes were widening with every name, until-

"And I'm Harry Potter.", resulting in Jack fan-girling **(A/N-**_**like Vixx over Janto **_**There is no word for the male equivalent, and if there is it will not be used, so Jack is fan**_**-girl**_**ing, so there****)** and Martha's mouth dropping open in shock.

"As in _THE _Harry Potter?" The Doctor asked, fez falling off his head as he jumped up and down in excitement.

"Harry, you're even famous among… whatever they are." Neville spoke up, pointing at the wide variety of, well, weirdos **(A/N-****OI!**_**Sorry, Vixx**_**)** and Ianto. **(A/N-****Better****)**

"Shut it." Harry growled, annoyed that everyone knew who he was… again. "And you are?" He asked, looking at the Torchwood crew.

"Hi, Captain Jack Harkness." Ianto and the Doctor glared at him. "What? I was only saying 'Hello'!"

"Yes, but we know what you mean by 'Hello'. I'm Jones, Ianto Jones." **(A/N-**_**Does anyone else think he's a James Bond wannabe? **_**Dangerous words GG, dangerous words…****)**

"Doctor Martha Jones."

"Are you two married?" Ron asked Martha and Ianto. **(A/N-He hadn't been there for the Janto kissing session.)** Martha gagged, knowing what Jack and Ianto got up to; Ianto gaped; and Jack was pouting, muttering,

"My Ianto, mine!"

"I think that means 'no' then, Ron." Hermione whispered to him, as Ron nodded.

"I'm Doctor Owen Harper." Owen continued, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, as, for him, it was a regular occurrence.

"I'm Toshiko Sato, and that is- was- Gwen Cooper: Resident slut **(A/N-**** I killed her *Evil Laugh*. I REGRET NOTHING! **_**She really isn't that bad, Vixx. **_** Shut up, GG. Let me revel in my evil-ness (I don't get to do it enough *pouty face*)****)**

"I'm the Doctor. I'm a timelo-" but he was cut off by music coming from the blue box…

**(A/N- We don't own Chameleon Circuit, as much as we would like to.)**

"At first we were just Gallifreyans and that was fine.  
Just taking up space and biding our time  
'Till Rassilon came along  
With his ever present sense of right and wrong  
He was strong, he was mighty  
He was the founder of Time Lord Society

Now this is the subject that everyone finds the hardest  
But you're gonna have to pass it if you want to earn your TARDIS  
Nobody's graduating from this Academy  
Until you've all mastered Gallifreyan History

Now Rassilon had a buddy called Omega  
His interstellar science would amaze ya  
He found our source of power  
And devised a cunning plan in under an hour  
It went sour, he was erased  
But at least now we could travel through time and space

Now if there's a subject that's impossible it's this  
In comparison, the Untempered Schism's a piece of p**s **(A/N-****Naughty chameleon circuit *smacks*****)**  
But nobody's graduating from this Academy  
Until you've all mastered Gallifreyan History

So now we're all time lords and that's just fine  
We're travelling through space, bouncing through time  
But we've made it clear not to interfere  
And that's a rule to which we all must adhere  
But I fear that the Doc  
Is about causing havoc in his big blue box."

The music cut off.

"Doctor, he's playing it… _again_!" A young woman with curly hair stalked out of the blue box, with a red haired boy being dragged behind her.

"As I was saying, I'm the Doctor, this is River, she's my- how do you know me?"

"You're my husband, sweetie."

"I'm her husba-wait, what?" River just smiled at him. "Oh, and this is Charlie, he likes to sing."

"Right well, I think that's everyone, now why are we here?" Ianto asked.

Harry took a deep breath. "Well, this thing is, I need your help."

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**A/N- Well, that's it for now, it'll probably (most definitely) be a while till we next update, holidays and all that… Hope you enjoyed the chapter, please R&R if you have the time.**

**I get my Ianto back now YAY! *runs off fangirling* BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

_**Umm, I'll go stop her… BYE!**_


End file.
